Making Friends as a Migrant

Making friends as an adult can be challenging. But have you tried making friends as a migrant?

This piece is about the awkward and sometimes gut-punching experience of trying to connect with people in a new country.
It’s about the emotional limbo between stranger and friend and how forging friendship abroad can feel uncannily like dating, complete with talking stages and the occasional heartbreak.

...and of course, how “acquaintance” is a word to recognize and adopt!

I’ve had this draft sitting around for a while, but after having the now-too-familiar conversation about friendship with a new Nigerian acquaintance, I knew it was time to publish.

I know a lot of people don’t like the word “acquaintance”, but I think it’s one of the most precise words I have ever heard, having first learned it while reading Student’s Companion in Primary 6, roughly 17 years ago.

It is also slightly deceitful. Someone unfamiliar with it might think it’s a compliment, when really, it’s just a polite way of saying WATAWI.

Friendship abroad: the mandatory conversation

My Nigerian acquaintance and I were walking around the block, gisting, when we landed on the topic of friendship.

This wasn’t surprising. As an adult migrant, you’ll quickly find yourself constantly discussing relationships in their many forms, especially with other migrants. It’s at the tip of everyone’s tongue like the post-grad equivalent of:

“Have you gotten a job yet?”

Romance might get its share of attention, but friendship is what most people truly miss. At this point, I’d even say romance is optional, but friendship isn’t.

And as my friend Wisdom said when reviewing this:

“Man cannot live in isolation, no matter who you are and where you are. We all aspire for friendship.”

This may be a truth you already know, but migrating multiple times confirmed his stance to me that every human has a part of them reserved for and seeking fulfilling non-romantic relationships. These are needs that romantic partners simply cannot, and should not, be expected to fill.
Unless you are ready to place the burden of all your companionship needs (romance and otherwise) on your romantic partner, and end up suffocating them.

So I understood perfectly when my Nigerian acquaintance said:

“I never thought friends were that important until I moved out of Nigeria. Now I find myself going after people with, ‘Would you like to have a drink…?’”

To which I replied:

“Like, yu go dey woo babes to komot wit yu.”

(This is Naija English. If you’re curious, check out Naija Guru .)

We went back and forth, sharing what moving abroad has taught us about friendship. Our chat brought me right back to this dusty draft, which I’d first started after a conversation with a Nigerian friend living in Nigeria.

“Hope you're not lonely?”

Every time I talk to my aunts or friends from home, they ask:

“Hope you’re not lonely?”

And my response is always the same:

"No, I’m not."

That usually satisfies my aunts, who reply with:

“Thank God! That’s good to hear.”

Sometimes they ask a follow-up:

“Are you eating Nigerian food?”

Then I go on a rant about how costly it is to shop for Nigerian foods. How much I miss Ìkọ́kọ̀rẹ́, and how I’m counting the days till I get my hands on Àmàlà dúdú and Ewédú again.

Then I’ll pivot to how badly I need to attend a Nigerian party. I didn’t even go to many back home, but the lack of them now has made me appreciate those once-in-a-blue-moon gatherings.

Before long, we’re deep in a conversation about food and nostalgia, and the topic of loneliness is forgotten.

Distract, deflect, divert

Friends, however, are more persistent. They’ll ask:

“So, you have made new friends?”

To which I always give a vague answer:

“Well… It’s in the works.”

Sometimes, they get distracted because I have a well-known talent (or flaw?) for evading questions. But I have friends who know all my tactics, and this one friend in particular wasn’t having it. So, they doubled down:

“If it’s in the works, how come you’re not lonely then?”

Fair question.

Too busy to be lonely

I replied:

“Well, I have things I do...
I work. I write — like I’m doing now. I watch movies. I cook. I read. I do things.”

But since this friend is one of the few I let past my usual game of deflection, and conversing with them is always refreshing, I went on a longer story.

Friendship talking stage is real

I said:

You know, one of the things about moving is that you’re forced into new beginnings. It’s exciting, but also a bit dreadful. New house, new city, new this, new that. With all this novelty also comes making friends and getting into the dreaded “friendship talking stage”.

Sometimes you’re lucky, you skip this stage entirely and just click with someone right away. But that happens far more rarely than we’d all expect.

People often think “talking stage” is exclusive to romance, but I beg to differ. It applies to every kind of relationship, be it long-term or short-term, official, platonic or romantic.

Looking for a job? You’re in the talking stage with recruiters. What do you think those introductory interviews and “culture fit” questions are all about?

Apartment hunting? Talking stage with agents and landlords. Your money and references are no good if you and the landlord/housemates don’t vibe.

Making friends as an adult is no different. Sometimes, it even feels like toasting someone. Everyone is busy and prioritizing their time, and you’re trying to make someone believe you are worth theirs (and vice versa) without sounding desperate.

It’s a high-stakes game, especially if you’ve been spoiled with deep, fulfilling friendships in the past. You start chasing that high again, wanting to replicate it, forgetting that maybe you should seek a complete reset.

Dating, friendship — same umbrella

Just as you wouldn’t date everyone you meet, you can’t be friends with everyone. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just life. Energy levels, lifestyles, habits, goals… there are a hundred reasons why you just won’t click with some people.

This is where acquaintance becomes useful. That early, undefined phase where the connection feels tentative and maybe even promising. Sometimes it grows into something deeper, other times it fizzles out into a friendly “Hey, how have you been?” when you run into each other.

Unlike people who treat the word “acquaintance” as a taboo, I’ve made it a core part of my vocabulary, and I see it as a healthy part of any social life I’m to have. Accepting this stage keeps my expectations balanced and stops me from forcing connections just because I want to “make friends.”

Still, I have always wondered, if acquaintanceships are just another talking stage, I have to ask: how many talking stages can one person endure before burnout?
How many “Let’s meet at the park” or “Want to grab a drink?” invitations can you juggle before it becomes tedious?

So when I ended the conversation with my friend, I said:

“I try my best, but I don't like stress.”

I didn’t give up. I just believe friendships grow at their own pace, and I’m not going to burn myself out chasing something that will happen… or not.

Moving out of your home country has some excellent perks, especially if your country is in a constant state of “not gonna make it anytime soon,” but it also comes with the not-so-easy work of building new connections.

As we say when water is almost about to pass Garri:

“We’ll all be fine.”

Tea takes time and so does friendship.